Gather ’round kiddos, I’m going to tell you a story. On this my pre-super-secret-Saturday-date-day, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic and a tad sensitive. This is how a love story for the ages was born, told from the point of view of a somewhat self-obsessed and sensitive guy’s guy about a love that blossomed one pre-Christmas day:
Once upon a time, long ago… actually, it was a really, really long time ago, before you were all born… two star-crossed lovebirds had met through a mutual friend named, The Internet. Now, unbeknown to, The Internet, a chemical reaction beyond words was on the horizon. Not one of those chemical reactions you see in chemistry classes either, where a magnesium strip is set ablaze and sparkles for a moment like the arc in welding. Hmm, actually, maybe it would be more appropriate to use weld transfer there, I mean, it is more about compounding the wire and the puddle on the iron, which gives a pretty good little spark and bonds two… Yea, I’m getting nowhere quick. Now, where was I? Oh yea, right… a chemical reaction unlike magnesium or an arc, it could only be comparable to the splitting of an atom. The young lady was obviously smitten from the beginning, I mean, we are talking about a pretty good looking dude here — not like super-good looking, I’m only human, I mean, he was only human. The young man tried to play it cool but he secretly didn’t know whether to whisper in her ear or yell in her face, ‘The chemistry between us is about to blow up this place!’. The initial meeting happened in a book store, as Dewie moved toward the young lady she was playfully sifting through the fiction section because not only did it somewhat suit her fancy, she knew it would drive the young man wild. Dewie came waltzing up to Faye like a bronzed stallion on roller skates, more floating than walking really. She could only stand in complete awe, his beard full and long; his un-balding head held its long mane of hair like the guys holding women on the covers of them fancy romance novels; all of this could only stand to drive even the simplest of women, b-a-n-a-nas. Faye gazed up at Dewie with that oh so subtle, deer in the headlights look, and nearly fainted.
Dewie, used to this sort of reception was quick to snatch her falling body, right her onto delicate feet and introduce himself, ‘Hello, Sweetness, it is I, Dewie.’
She silently gasped, she was clearly taken aback by Dewie’s devilishly good looks and flowing locks, she cleared her throat and in the voice of an angel, exclaimed, ‘Hi! It is I, Faye!!’
Never one to lose composure, Dewie tried to pretend he were totally in his element. Deep down, he was totally losing his cool — even a farsighted dental assistant from Toronto could see he had already lost his cool. This stunning masterpiece was not only in his section, the fiction. She wore a sweater of his favorite color, green; she held up the fiction section like structural I-beams hold up a bridge, Faye had stolen his heart almost instantly. He managed to play it cool, the whole time knowing that he had met ‘her’, the one, the lady he had heard and read about for years but never knew existed. Dewie had read a hundred novels, — between saving ducks from plastic six-pack holders and reading every encyclopedia from cover to cover – and he certainly had heard of this love the novels suggested but never truly got it until this moment. A love, Dewie thought, that knows no bounds would have me climb all of the mountains in the world looking for its exact-opposite or something. He couldn’t help but notice her fiery, red locks, they burned like the embers of a million bonfires, Dewie needed to squint.
Squint Dewie did, he squeezed his eyes nearly shut like a million sun rays were dancing on his face, Faye noticed and softly asked, ‘Is everything okay, Dewie with an -ie?’
Dewie explained in his most manly voice, ‘Oh yea, I’ve got a wood chip in my eye, was building a log home with my bare hands this morning for El Salvadorian orphans.’ He couldn’t help but notice that Faye had spelled his name correctly, for nearly two decades Dewie had been fighting spellings like: D-e-w-e-y, D-e-w-y, D-e-w-i.. but anyway, this isn’t about spelling someone’s name, but Dewie really did appreciate that.
Faye, looking flushed, said, ‘You really are a hero, to those orphans and to me, Dewie, you terribly strong and good looking dude!’
Dewie, now blushing and smiling from ear-to-ear began, ‘Well, Faye, I really am just a simple carpenter-architect-sailor-millwright-doctor-alligator wrestling-people pleaser who wants nothing more out of life than a good night’s rest every single night. And to work the Sunday edition of the NY Times crossword at least once before I die.’
Faye smiled.
Dewie, completely caught off guard by that beautifully-simple smile, mouthed the words to Faye, ‘I love you…’.
When Faye said, ‘Pardon?’
Dewie totally chickened out and said, ‘Alligator Soup, that is all I eat soup-wise these days, thanks for asking.’
Faye was lovely and not put off at all, she kept smiling, her smile made the stars cry out to one another to stop shining and look at a truly beautiful site; it was as if a million tiny soldiers had took to marching across Dewie’s body, he had the goose bumps, kiddos. This girl, no no, this woman, was unconsciously doing things to Dewie he hadn’t known existed outside fiction novels… the compassion she possessed within her simple movements was enough to render Dewie speechless. He would walk a million miles to have this lady set before him again, God truly does do marvelous works, Dewie thought. He had known when her delicate, fainting body had graced his arms that he was holding the mother of his children, he didn’t know what that meant or what it would take, but he knew he would fill the Grand Canyon with chocolate milk were Faye to ask him. Dewie had never been rendered this speechless, ever, except the time a local farmer had told him he wanted his dam wood off the farmer’s property:
‘Excuse me, Sir?’ Dewie had said hesitantly.
‘You heard me boy!’ the farmer screeched, ‘I want your dam wood off my farm!’
Dewie, having totally forgotten about the three beavers he found orphaned by the side of a river in Oregon, grew quite angry, ‘Sir, I didn’t leave any damn wood on your property!’ Dewie had truly forgotten about all the dam wood his beavers had been carrying in and depositing at the farmer’s creek.
‘Boy, I saw it with my own two eyes! You calling me blind?!’
‘No sir, I just believe you are mistaken. I don’t recall ever going on your land, at least not since the time you invited me over to push mow all 50 acres of your property for free, that was truly very kind of you!’ Dewie said without a hint of cynicism, that was just Dewie for ya — nice as the day is long, and did I mention he was pretty cute?
Oh yea, right, the story… so anyway, Faye was totally smitten by this hunk o’ man that had been set before her. He found her to be quite the prize himself. He couldn’t help but notice she had eyes that would make sapphires sigh. As she talked and laughed, the eyes took on a life of their own, they got to sparkling and shining so, were Dewie a thief he could envision no greater score the world over, to hold her eyes in the hopes of ceasing another’s attempt to win these coveted treasures. He must have missed at least half of what Faye said that day, Dewie tried but couldn’t look away, were she to question him about whether he was paying attention, he wouldn’t lie, he would simply say, ‘I’ve been lost in your eyes and want them to be by my side forever.’ He had noticed that when the light hit them just right, were he a stronger swimmer he could reach the ends of the earth in the sea that was Faye’s eyes. Maybe if she held still long enough, he really could mentally paint a portrait of himself floating in her eyes, happily stranded forever, floating in the sea Faye simply regarded as ‘her eyes’. Dewie would later tell Faye how unbelievably captivating her eyes truly are, how jealous he was that she had them to look at each morning; she would shyly giggle and change the subject, this drove Dewie nuts, in only the most romantically-humble way imaginable. Then, an unspeakable bond was made as they grazed each other’s hand, caught eyes and both knew instantly: This. Was. It.
As Dewie and Faye talked away, they both realized that beyond the physical connection they had had immediately, there was this amazing mental and emotional bond forming — like gorilla glue on worn soles of shoes, they were to be bonded as one. A shoe, like a metaphor for what was coming to be, this shoe would be the metaphorical vehicle for the metaphorical and literal journey that was beginning, right now in this place they sat across from one another chewing their food, an unspoken plan was being formed and Dewie didn’t even like plans before now. A second date, perhaps? Maybe a few laughs on a third date? A fun, simple wedding? Picking up kids, dusting off scratches and setting bandages? Sweeping the gray hairs out of one another’s eyes after a set of laughter? Yes, but first the meal needed to be finished and then this day, this hour, minute or second would have to end. Time seemed suspended around them, it were as if they had quit existing in the world they had grown up into and were building walls of their own realm — a place where time existed only when they felt like aging or making dinner reservations. Neither Dewie nor Faye could truly grasp what exactly was happening in this moment, it was beyond their vision… this was certainly beyond any conceivable horizon either could assume, especially on just a fairly normal Sunday afternoon. Dewie was involved now, he had instantly formed a plan, to take a scuba trip in her eyes; Faye was completely captivated by Dewie’s boyishly-handsome good looks and long, flowing hair: This. Was. It.
As they finished their meal, polls were taken and the majority had spoken, dinner was not the end of this majestic meeting. They would move on to more talking: talk of family, friends, dreams, habits, potential children’s names: This. Was. It. Floating was the only option for our newly enchanted couple, without a direct word spoken, Dewie and Faye had known, beyond the shadow of a million doubts that: This. Was. It. Dewie would have cleared a dance floor size area in the starry night to scoot his newly found love across the sky, Faye needed, nay, Faye deserved it, he had undoubtedly conceded. All the pieces were floating in space, their mutual friend, The Internet, had set these two up — they didn’t care so much who set them up, what day it was or what time it was even, because they knew: This. Was. It.
And so, Kiddos. That is the end of our story. That is the beginning of the tale for these two, crazy kids and I can guarantee that what transpired there that day didn’t cause the splitting of an atom (although both would later be reached for comment and say that they felt ’some sort of big blast’) but it planted a seed for something to grow beautifully — I was really hoping a banjo might come in handy somewhere in the story too, just a little instrumental solo action or something, haha, no no, nothing real fancy but maybe a lil claw hammer action diddy to gather the right mood. Oh yea, right, so if you look into the sky with love in your heart on any given night in the right kind of light, you can see Dewie and Faye waltzing across the sky, tripping the night fantastic. The End.
